Graffiti After Midnight

the graffiti artist
Originally uploaded by [windscreenfly.com]

I won't give up again.

A single sentence in paint the color of dried blood on the back wall of an abandoned factory. It's one of those moments I wish I'd had a camera to capture the image. How do I describe the words somewhat askew, not penned neatly or even artistically the way some do. Just letters, penned in the quick strokes of paint can, drips visible where the letters ran before they dried against the bricks.

I won't give up again.

I wish I knew which denizen of this neighborhood penned these words. I wish I could find them and ask, bluntly and nosily perhaps...what led to this sentence? The writer in me longs to know the story. But more importantly I want to know...are you OK? Are you surviving? Or have you, in spite of courage in red paint, given up again?

These handful of words have stayed with me more than a year since I saw them. I suspect this has something to do with that deep thrumming I felt in my chest when I saw them. That recognition that someone else knew what it was to give up. And then...to stand up and try again.

And more than that...they shouted it to the world. In rust colored letters, flaking away in the summer sun. A silent declaration that this time, this time they would not fail.

I can't help but admire that. It's hard enough to admit that I've messed up. That yes, I too have reached a point where I've thrown in the towel. More than once. But to shout to the world that it won't happen again? That makes me accountable, not just to me but to the rest of the world.

Wow. Bold. Brave. And just a touch scary...

...and high time, don't you think? Tonight then let me adopt these words as my own.

I won't give up again.

Amen. So be it.

Things I Learned From the Drive

1. There is no such thing as an early start.

2. Projected time to get there means absolutely nothing.

3. When on a 340 mile drive DO NOT keep dividing the number of miles traveled by how long you've been on the road to figure your average. It's enough to make you turn around and go home.

4. Forget the cooler. Always buy fresh drinks on the road just so you get out of the car once in a while.

5. Twittering while driving is hazardous not just to your health but to everything on or near the roadway.

6. Twittering at stops is GREAT for people to track you so long as Twitter is working properly.

7. If you twitter the word "accident" expect people to call you on your cell phone.

8. Backroads may take longer but you find the most delicious things along the way (Johnny Depp and Christian Bale....*drool*)

9. Trucks WILL watch out for the little car...

10. I'm not just safe at home. I can be safe anywhere. Really.

Hitting the Road

I live with anxiety but I don't suffer from it anymore.

About five years ago I had my first panic attack. I was driving on the expressway, surrounded by semi-trucks doing about 70. I had no idea what was wrong with me and I was frightened so badly by it I wound up in the emergency room. This was my introduction to general anxiety disorder.

Over the next year I had several more attacks. I tried medication but the side effects only made things worse. Finally I just quit driving altogether. The idea of being behind the wheel with children in the car was just too frightening.

This lasted for three years.

Finally, I had enough. I had anxiety...why was I allowing it to have me? So I started small. Trips to the library and grocery store. Working my way up to Wal-Mart and the movie theater a dozen miles away. Finally in the last few months, the expressway again, 50 miles at once!

This isn't a clear cut victory. Do I still get panic attacks? Well, not as often as I used to. And occasionally I'll tense up a little behind the wheel. BUT, I'm no longer letting it run my life.

Today is my biggest step in that direction. Today I'll get behind the wheel with only my 9yo daughter for company, and I'll drive 300 miles to visit my mother. It should be an awesome trip and I intend to take a lot of pictures along the way.

Am I scared? A little. But I'm no longer letting it run my life.

1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.

2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Psalm 62